The Dear Leader’s Diary – Epistle 18

I’ve had a simply super weekend, chillaxing with the right sort of people, the odd case of champagne, and I’m bloody pumped! All the things I am going to announce this week to my adoring citizens are lined up ready, and I will be able to make long, eloquent sound-bites about them. I really am made to rule this

country, apart from Scotland, where my little friend Nicola is happy to help. 


She wants another referendum and lots of extra powers, but basically, she melts when she sees me, and I can just walk all over her. All it takes is just the right pressure in a hand-shake, and I’m rather well known for that. I use the one that makes the Queen purr, and Nicola just smiles and issues another series of demands that she must surely realise I won’t remember after I have had them removed from the internet. I’m surprised nobody has noticed that I can do that!


Politics is easy! I was made for it.


Later today, I will be speaking to some doctors in a place called the Wet Midlands, and tell them that I will let George give the NHS “at least £8 billion a

year by 2020″. I’m still always amazed that something like that gets accepted without any argument. It doesn’t mean they will get £8 billion in any of the years up to 2020, and after another five years everyone will have forgotten there was a National Health Service, anyway.


Well, there will be, but it will be safe in our hands long before then. As long as I keep assuring people it isn’t being privatised, I can hand chunks of it over to my friends for much less than it is worth, plus the proper level of donations to the Conservative Party, and we can all make massive profits from it. People are not even going to notice that even if we do give it £8 billion, or any other even bigger amount, from the taxpayers, it will all just go straight to the shareholders. And that’s how a health service should work!

I shall tell them that there is nothing that embodies the spirit of One Nation coming together – nothing that working people depend on more – than the NHS, and get the usual enthusiastic applause from the audience the local party branch has provided for me. A good day’s work, and I shall be entitled to chillax with some more Bollinger. 


The Dear Leader’s Diary – 17

It makes me bloody pumped up with pride, when I think how tremendously wonderful I am. All on my own, with no help from the media, I got everyone in the country to vote for me, apart from a tiny group of about 76% who were unable to understand how brilliant I am.


In completely unrelated 
news, apparently Rupert Murdoch, the very important media magnate that I am not influenced by in any way, says that my new cabinet appointments are “surprisingly good”, in his completely independent opinion. He’s quite right, of course. 


And here’s a super example! Little Nicky Morgan has proved that she is a far better minister than that oik, Gove. Sacking failing head teachers, and at the same time cutting the budgets of council schools, can’t fail to improve education for all the children of hard working families who can afford our excellent academies. Quite sensibly, she didn’t waste time finding out what the actual statistics are, but immediately told Andrew Marr in no uncertain way, that what we have done to education is the only sensible way to procede. After all, any hard working family that wants the best for its children will send them to Eton.


Michael Gove has been working jolly hard, sleeves rolled up, and bloody pumped as well, which makes me like him even more, since he was made Justice Secretary and Lord Chancellor by me, last weekend.  Instead of saying something bad people would latch onto, like “scrapping the Human Rights Act”, he very sensibly said, “We’ll be seeking to ensure that human rights are enhanced and preserved by modernising and reforming the framework of rights in this country”. Gove and I both feel the Human Rights Act and the judgements of the Strasbourg Court on things like prisoner voting have actually been harmful to the cause of human rights in this country. And that’s what matters! Getting people to think we are modernising and reforming, nice, positive words that the plebs will be convinced by. Fortunately, nobody has noticed they will have almost no rights left unless they can afford to go to court. 

The Dear Leader’s Diary – 16

Much to my surprise, my iPad can do more than just play the amazing game, Fruit Ninja! I have worked out a way to make it display books as well. Who says I know nothing about computers? I have found a fascinating book, called “Whipping Up A Storm”, full of fascinating anecdotes by an old friend of George’s. And he’s even managed to get a picture of himself on the cover. 


I’m not sure what that white powder is, or why it’s on a book cover though. I’ll have to ask one of the little people who assist me by remembering things for me. And who rolls their banknotes up like that? One can carry far more of them if they are kept flat. And the £50 notes burn much better in front of “homeless” people if you keep your bundle of them flat, as well.




I may need to give George some advice about choosing his friends more carefully. I’m sure he won’t mind, as he has always taken my advice about things, like never being too obviously sloshed or stoned or whatever the current idiom is. It’s well known that I can make friends at every level, even high up newspaper people.


And I stand by my friends, like Mr Coulson, right up until they get dragged off to jail. Then I get everything connecting to me edited off the internet, and all is well.



The Dear Leader’s Diary- 15



I am getting rather annoyed at the way some people out there are using what they imagine to be humour to attempt to attack me. For instance, here is

something somebody has done, when they should have been working hard, which takes one of my jolly important speeches, and uses it in a sort of comic.


When I said that, I was clearly not wanting people to realise that it meant that we would be actively intolerant. Intolerant of crime, intolerant of the causes of crime, to quote my good friend Tory Blair. It’s really unfair when the stuff my speech-writers invent is taken to be the policy of our totally united party, with its enormous majority of four.


We are going to make prudent cuts reforms to all sorts of wasteful spending like pensions and benefits, whether you obey the law or not,  and I will not tolerate these unpleasant attacks. Active intolerance is going to get you, if you dare criticise us!





The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 14















I have visited Nicola Sturgeon in Scotland, as a reward for destroying the Labour vote there. I am showing my commitment to a UK that includes Scotland, by promising them many new powers that will let them feel as if they

have achieved something. I have already vowed to promise to make a pledge to put something or other in the Queen’s Speech about this. I can promise my own people that I will have anything we don’t like removed from the internet as soon as we feel like it. Playing people off against each other for my own benefit shows what a superior statesman I am, and why I continue to be trusted.


Meanwhile, I have found a book labelled “Bastards” in a cupboard in one of the many kitchens at my house in Downing Street. I shall write the name of Mr

David Davis in it, as it appears he thinks he has the right to attack my decision to abolish Human Rights. Worse still, he is hinting that taking away peoples’ rights and replacing them with vaguely worded promises, vows, and pledges is likely to prove divisive. By that, he probably means that he should have been leader, instead of me, so that he could unite our party. Unless he can split away a huge number of my MPs, as many as three or four, he will not be able to prevent us ramming any change we like through.


My friend Mr Kim Jong Un has recently had his defence minister shot with an anti-aircraft gun. Members of my party who are not feeling at least 100% faithful would do well to remember Britain probably still has a gun, too.

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Lucky 13th episode

I am going to have to start using my active intolerance™ much sooner than I had expected,as it has emerged that some of my MPs think they can argue with me about my policies. Back benchers have been talking to something called the Belfast Telegraph, which I will not tolerate.

One Conservative backbencher said plans were “legally incoherent” and predicted Mr Cameron would face a Commons defeat if he attempted to make anything more than cosmetic changes to the current laws.
“If what emerges is a lot of sound and fury but no attempt to fiddle with fundamental rights as set down by the  Convention then what we have is the Human Rights Act in all but name and that will be fine,” they said.
“But if there is any fundamental attempt to move away from that position then it will be dead in the water. Any such proposals will be torn to shreds by people like Dominic Grieve and many others who actually understand how our constitution works.”

I am now going to have to find out which of my MPs have been talking to newspapers without permission, and undermining my entirely reasonable plans.



In the meantime, I have asked George to announce all sorts of proposals, in order to take attention away from the Human Rights Act, so I can get rid of it when nobody is looking. He came back from the bathroom grinning, and announced a bold plan to stop us needing to finance English cities, by making them responsible for local transport, housing, planning, policing and public health. These are all things they can feel proud they are managing for themselves, and we won’t need to finance them any more.


It is certainly good to have George on the team, and not briefing against me to the press, like the sneaky back benchers, that I shall be sorting out soon.

The Dear Leader’s Diary – 12

Now that my government is all powerful, and will do whatever we want, forever, I am an even more Dear Leader than Kim Jong Un, and have asked my web team to produce a suitably powerful new header for this Diary. You are instructed to like it at once, or there will be trouble.

Britain has been “passively tolerant” for far too long, and we should not leave people to live their lives as they please as long as they obey the law. That just isn’t good enough. I am getting Mrs May to produce a list of measures that we will impose to teach you some respect. This will show those people who said we were a bunch of tin-pot fascists that they were wrong. 

In our glorious future, it will be an offence to hold minority “extremist” views that differ from Britain’s consensus. You will be told which opinions are acceptable, and we will crack down on anyone who is considering beginning to think any of these thoughts. Laughing at me, my government, or any of our very good ideas will result in severe punishment.



Enough of that for now. I should not have had to tell you the correct things to think in the first place. See that you do not continue to wrong-think.

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 11

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Pert 11



My web team have managed to remove the vandalised picture that was annoying me, and I have asked them to put something in its place while we set up a new staged picture of me being very popular in a huge barn with a few trusted supporters.


Now, following our Cabinet meeting, we have had a few very clever ideas to make Britain Great again for hard working families, but not anyone else, obviously.


For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens ‘As long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone’. Well, that won’t do, will it? We are going to become an actively intolerant society, and anyone who disagrees with me will be in serious trouble.


Further details will follow as soon as we have thought them up, and there will be no senseless delays to confer with focus groups, civil rights lawyers, or any of that namby pamby nonsense. 

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Port 10

Note to web team: get rid of that ham or be sacked.

Now, it’s obviously going to take George a day or two to come up with an updated version of the plan he says we have got. I’ve never actually seen it myself, but I’m pretty good at choosing people to be in government with me, and I always stand by them until it becomes necessary to get rid of them.

In the meantime, we have come up with some sensible proposals for enforcing free speech. As part of our war on terror, we propose a ban on broadcasting and a requirement to submit to the police in advance any proposed publication on the web and social media or in print.”[1] Obviously, that will not apply to this diary, as I am in charge, and democratic by definition. All Tweets will have to be vetted by the police, as we all know too many of them can make a Twatter. This may cause some slight delays, but we must make certain that the youth are not corrupted. I’m considering what punishments we should have for unapproved Tweets, and think something like having to volunteer to drink hemlock would be proportionate.



[1] The Guardian. http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/may/13/counter-terrorism-bill-extremism-disruption-orders-david-cameron 

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Part 9

I have instructed my team of internet experts to remove the vandalism from this picture, and they will be dealing with it as soon as they cease their unaccountable laughter. They said they would also look into its background, which hardly seems necessary.

Today, I conducted our first Cabinet meeting without the token Liberal Democrats I used to have to include. Pretending to have the slightest concern about anything they thought or said was never easy, and some of them were, I’m sorry to say, simply not in the same class as myself.

There’s a jolly nice video of the start of the meeting on Twatter, where I managed to pad out the usual stuff about the workers for well over a minute, without making any real commitments. My natural modesty prevents me from getting the web team to copy it into this page, and I’m sure you will have seen it anyway.


It has come to my attention that there are over four million people in the country who have never workedWe will soon put in place measures to give these dreadful people an incentive to get out and work.


I’m grateful to Iain Duncan Smith for this statistic. It’s very unfair, the way people criticise him for marrying into money, instead of inheriting it the proper way. Here’s a rather nice picture of him and Charlie Chaplin on holiday together. 


Anyway. Everyone in my Cabinet agreed with me about how we need to get out of the awful Human Rights nonsense that has been forced on us, and introduce our own Invoice Bill of Rights as soon as possible. Here’s our draft, so far…


Article 1 – Right to Life
Everyone shall have the right to life, unless their death is deemed necessary in the interests of national security, or if they cannot afford the relevant insurance to pay for hospital bills.
Article 6 – Right to a Fair Trial
Everyone shall have the right to a fair trial unless they cannot afford it or the Home Secretary should decide that such a trial is not necessary in the interests of national security
Article 8 – Right to a Private Life
Everyone shall have the right to respect for their private and family life, except if any intrusion in that private or family life is performed by the police, the security services, Google, Facebook or any other commercial enterprise as agreed with the Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.
Article 10 – Right to Freedom of Expression
Everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers, except if such information is deemed unsuitable, extreme, or otherwise inappropriate by the Home Secretary, the Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, Paul Dacre or the Taxpayers Alliance
Article 11 – Freedom of assembly and association
Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and to freedom of association with others, excluding the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests, and excluding any form of assembly or association that the Home Secretary should deem disorderly, embarrassing, annoying or otherwise objectionable.
Scope of these rights
These rights shall be accorded to all British Citizens, except those who the Home Secretary determines are undeserving of rights, or decides to strip citizenship from, or are determined by the media to be scroungers, immigrants or children of immigrants, internet trolls or persons otherwise objectionable in what the Prime Minister deems to be a democratic society.
More soon.