The Dear Leader’s Diary – Fart 8





















I should take a moment to congratulate myself on the efficiency of my campaign to become the undisputed ruler of our nation. All I needed was for 25% of the voters to vote for me, and I won 51% of the seats in the House of Commons. This overwhelming support means I can now do exactly as I wish, and Rupert has already given me a list of helpful suggestions.

Make no mistake, I am here to finish a job, and my massive overall majority of four can not possibly be eroded by some of our MPs defecting to another party, due to some mistaken “conscience” about what we will do. Philip Green and Sebastian Fox have been left out of the Cabinet, this time, but I’m sure they can be trusted. They are businessmen, after all.


And none of them will be so careless as to die and force a bye election or two. I shall be giving strict orders on that.


No. We are fit to govern, and God has seen to it that our fine, Christian, party is now here for good.


I am so confident that I believe I will tell Sam to book us a couple of extra holidays, somewhere I can get to another wine tasting would be good, although Australia is a bit far. I should really have my own plane, like my good friend Barry Obama. Then the dear voters could reward me with another £13,000 wine tasting trip. They are so generous that they really do deserve me!

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 7

We apologise for the vandalism to our header picture, which appears to have been perpetrated by a Danish gentleman, who says the original picture is ugly.


Now we are pushing boldly forward with our plan to improve everything about this country! Little Mr Gove has announced his soon-to-be implemented measures will remove the right to life, the right to privacy, the right to a fair trial, the right to protest and the right to freedom from torture and discrimination. I do not wish to hear any tiresome namby-pamby objections. My government was fairly elected, apart from any as yet undetected cheating which we will deny, by an overwhelming landslide of 24% of the electorate. We can do anything we want to.

The Right to Life

Look, people die all the time, especially those we help with the benefits system, so it is obvious that there is no actual “right to life”. To prove it, we will rapidly return the death penalty. Of course, we Conservative MPs are decent people who wouldn’t hurt a fly, apart from about three hundred of us. The actual hangings, our preferred method, since we can’t get away with using hounds, yet, will be carried out by a private firm. Probably Atos, or Group 4, or anyone who wants the job.

The Right to Privacy

Obviously, we need to know who you are, so we can round you up and hang you, so there will be no “right to privacy”. GCHQ will be told by nice Mrs May to listen to all phone calls, apart from mine, of course. Your post will be slightly delayed while it is steamed open, and every room will have a security guard in it, recording everything that happens with a video camera.

No, you can not protest about this

The Right to a Fair Trial

Fair trials will continue to be available. The initial fee will be a million pounds, to prevent time wasting frivolous defences.

Now, be quiet

Or I will have you tortured. Don’t think that I wouldn’t. I’m still jolly cross about that ham vandalism of my nice picture.

The Dear Leader’s Diary – 6

I am not wasting time, and have rolled up my sleeves. Everything is going very smoothly now that we are not carrying the Liberal Democrats, who were really rather hopeless. A little ruthlessness in government goes a long way, I find. Already we are seeing that the country has happily accepted our glorious victory, with hardly anyone saying we somehow fiddled the vote. 


All is calm in London, as you can see from this picture. The BBC news confirms that this isn’t happening, and they had better continue to do so, if they don’t want my friend George to take away all their funding. They deserve that, obviously, as they are totally controlled by the Labour Party, which cannot be allowed to continue.











George will, obviously, be continuing in his highly successful role of Chancellor of the Exchequer, to which he has brought his usual high standards of powerful thinking. I am looking forward to him continuing to pay down the National Debt, which has already been lowered from the record £800 billion the reckless Labour Party lumbered us with, to the much more sensible figure of £1.5 trillion. 









I know he’s a bit common, but I am delighted to appoint Michael Gove as our Justice Secretary. He’s jolly keen on the death penalty for all sorts of offences, and will be helping me to get Britain out of the terrible Human Rights nonsense they have inflicted on us. He was an absolutely terrific success as Education Minister, and his fine work resulted in many teachers moving to better jobs.


The nonsense of Human Rights will be replaced by our Bill of Rights, which everyone will have to pay, except those who keep their money in offshore banks, as any sensible person does.




A busy day, already, and I will deserve this evening’s chillaxing. I believe I will have a gallon or two of real ale, and play my favourite record, Eton Rifles.






The Dear Leader’s Diary – Fit the fifth.



Now we get busy! I have appointed all my favourite chums to top jobs, so they can work hard at making things really nasty for anyone who won’t cooperate with us. 

Iain Duncan Smith is a fine, compassionate Christian, like me. He has been tasked with reducing all the benefits the lazy scroungers have been stealing from the rich, into a single thing called Universal Credit. I’m sure he will bring these changes in well ahead of schedule, and considerably under budget. Those who say he has never managed anything successfully, apart from marrying into money and luxury, will have to think again! Come on, Iain, slash the vastly over-generous sums of money that the pathetic Liberal Democrats were forcing us to give to the idlers of Benefit Street. Some of them were actually eating, and heating their hovels at the same time, which is shockingly wasteful.



And the wonderfully fashionable Theresa May is to be our Home Secretary. In order to help the Police, she will reduce their numbers, so that surplus officers will not get in each other’s way. She tells me that there are still things happening in our marvellous free country that GCHQ don’t actually get to hear about. This obviously cannot be allowed to continue, and we will immediately pass lots of new laws to enable them to listen to absolutely everything everyone does. My friends and I, of course, will be excepted from that. Since there are still instances of communications that cannot be intercepted by GCHQ, little Mr Gove has suggested that everyone should be made to write down everything they say, and post it to them. I must say, that’s unusually clever of him, and will be printing this out to send as soon as my drone has typed it into the computer thing for me.


I want to focus on a positive vision of the future, as you know. The recession the Labour Party deliberately caused did enormous harm to our friends, like Lehman Brothers and the banks, and it is up to us to repair what they did. Those who work hard, in spite of being underpaid, will get what they deserve – the chance to watch me drinking Champagne, and they had jolly well better appreciate that!



The Dear Leader’s Diary – Portion the fourth.

Gosh, in all the excitement of getting rid of the Liberal Democrats, who were holding us back from realising our dreams for this wonderful nation, I realise I have failed to make sure you all know as much about me as you should.

spent the first three years of my life in humble houses in Kensington and Chelsea before my family moved to an old rectory near Newbury, in Βerkshire. Ιn spite of being born with deformed legs, my father practically invented the idea of keeping ones’ money safe in other countries, to stop it trickling down to the poor, who would only buy alcohol with it. When I was seven, my family sent me to a jolly nice prep school, so that I wouldn’t become too emotionally attached to them.


And then, just like everyone else, I went to Eton. My  biggest mention in the Eton school magazine came when I sprained my ankle dancing to bagpipes, on a school trip to Rome. Well, I’m sure we’ve all been there. Anyone who says anything about cannabis at this point is going to make me a bit cross. Nobody has any evidence.



Then, Oxford invited me to join them. Naturally, as I had simply oodles of loot, like all the other students, I was invited to join the Bullingdon Club. Many people have failed to understand that this was a charitable organisation, where we would help the poor to understand the value of money by burning £50 notes in front of them when they were pretending to be homeless. I refuse to discuss whether I took drugs at Oxford. I may have had the occasional drink, but rarely more than five bottles of Champagne a day. This sensible approach ensured I was not brain damaged. I don’t remember smashing up any restaurants.


As so often happens, an anonymous person at Buckingham Palace advised the Conservative Party that I was “a truly remarkable young man”, and now I have shown everyone that anyone at all can be a success. Why more of our young people, “hoodies” as they are called, don’t simply do as I have done is a mystery to me. 


The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 3

Now that George and I have repaired all the disastrous damage Labour did to the country, and reduced the National Debt from their shocking £800 billion to a rather more manageable £1.5 trillion, it’s time for our new watch-word, “renewal”.


It will be our task to renew a sense of fairness in our society – where those who work hard and do the right thing are able to get on.


And there is work to complete as well! My lovely friend Iain Duncan Smith will be helping everyone to understand that any more than £7 a day to live on is just impossibly luxurious for them. He manages it, so they will just have to get used to it.


Here he is, explaining some rather technical point about how much money a peasant needs, in order to enjoy a life of luxury. He says all they will need to do is work a 30 hour day for 20p an hour, and they will be able to avoid the death camps he intends to set up. Who says we don’t have the well-being of the unnecessary population at the heart of our policies?


Now, it must be made totally clear. He is not a liar. Some shockingly lazy people asked him if there had been an enquiry into the deaths of a few of the less necessary proles, and he quite rightly told them, there had not been an enquiry. That settled that. There were, of course, over forty individual enquiries, each of them for a single pleb, but that’s completely different. And it shows how much we care for every single unit of population, I think.

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 2

Righto! I’ve got my sleeves rolled up, and my photographer is ready, so I think I’ll make a jolly old start on some legislation. 24% of the voters have made their unanimous demands, that I simply must fulfil. 


That absurd human rights nonsense, forced on us by the evil dictators of Europe, simply has  to go. I mean, really! Look at this stuff!

  • The right to life
  • The right not to be tortured
  • The right not to be a slave
  • The right to a fair trial
  • The right NOT to be punished if you haven’t broken the law
  • The right to private family life
  • The right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion
  • The right to freedom of expression
  • The right to marry and start a family
  • The right to peaceful enjoyment of possessions
  • The right to education
  • The right to free elections
  • The right NOT to be given the death penalty
Away with all that tosh! I’m pumped, and doesn’t Sam know it!

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 1

I say, you chaps, what a jolly spiffing result! I would have written this sooner, but I celebrated with a rather nice case of the most expensive Champagne I could find, and was a little “tired and emotional” as a result.

My well deserved, nay, glorious victory was just what I deserved after my long campaign of going out into our lovely British towns, and meeting absolutely every voter in the country. Here I am, helping the citizens of Bath to understand my policies.
I was careful to explain the Long Term Economic plan that George and I had carefully discussed for ten minutes, five years ago. Many simply dreadful people have tried to claim that the plan doesn’t even exist, which makes me jolly cross. Here it is.

Ah, sorry! I don’t have a copy of it to hand, right now, but you know I am telling the truth, because I would never lie to you.

Toodle pip, more soon.