David Cameron’s Book of Bastards – 28

I can no longer call this my secret diary, as Samantha forgot to pack it for me, and has been reading it. Still, now I’m back from my triumph over Europe, at least I can carry on writing in it. She said it was “jolly nice”, which is dashed decent of her.

My speech in this video says all that needs to be said, and I cleverly prevented any “reporters” from asking their clever trick questions by leaving, and making them look as if they couldn’t keep up with my superior intellect! 

Britain continues to be made to look Great by me! It is true that none of the leaders I spoke with, some of them for more than a minute, seemed to understand what I was saying, but that will not stop me making a brilliant success of my clever plan.

EU migrants must be prevented from claiming in-work benefits for four years, the same way that we are making sure our own people will have to stand on their own two feet, by removing the foolish safety net of “benefits”.

Clearly, we must be fair to everyone. Those with no feet will be proud to stand alongside us in this!

I told the little reporter people, β€œIt has been a long night and we have discussed some very important subjects, but above all I am delighted that the process of British reform and renegotiation and the referendum that we are going to hold – that process is now properly under way … we have started that process.”

Lots of people seem to think I can’t get the whole process of reform of the entire Lisbon Agreement done by 2017, when we will have our in out in out in out in out in out referendum. They say it can’t be done in time.

Even that common Farage fellow doesn’t seem to understand my determination to continue to do impossible things. Champagne time, more later!

Bad combover championship.

He’s not fooling anyone but himself, Prince Charles isn’t.

I expect that looks lovely in the mirror, from in front, but one’s footman ought to have told one about the bald dome at the back. It’s nearly as bad as mine.

Perhaps HRH should hide it with a sort of crown thingy?

 In case you can’t tell whose fat neck and bald patch these are, it’s Gideon George Osborne. 

Not a very convincing attempt to comb the hair at the front back over it.

Here, however, is the current World Combover Champion.

He sports a parting on each side, from which the hair above is swept up, forward, back… it’s probably about ten feet long.

I has saz!

I present an unboxing! The ParcelForce guy was surprised this box was so light!

It contained monstrous amounts of bubble wrap…

Getting there…
There’s another layer!

The gig bag is revealed…
The short necked saz, undamaged by the shipping. Does anyone want to come and get two huge bundles of bubble wrap?

And here’s a back view. You can’t see them in this shot, but the huge pictures on eBay had what I thought might be traces of a repair job to the bowl.

Here is a part of the shot on eBay. Completely honest selling by a really helpful seller, which is the right way to do it.

I made my bid based on the probability of a repair being there, and it turns out it was right to do so. Looking in through the sound hole, without flash, I saw light coming through glue. But the bowl is sound, solidly re-glued, and has been nicely re-varnished as well.

And here’s the same shot, with the flash turned on. A pretty tidy repair!

I have tuned the saz, as closely as I could manage it with my electronic tuner. Those wooden peg tuners can be a real struggle! The tone is lovely, and I’m looking forward to attempting to play this. It may be necessary to adjust some of the frets, but perhaps I will just get used to the weird intervals!

The Dear Leader’s Diary, 27th bit.

It appears that I am going to have to have something done about Sir Tim Berners-Lee, who has been going round without permission, saying that there is something wrong with my government giving itself the power to listen to all the phone calls in the country, check every web page everyone looks at, read all the texts and emails everyone sends, and everything else they ever do. Surely, this is the very least we can do, in order to prevent anyone from committing acts of terrorism? I have a God-given duty as a Christian to protect every one of the people of my country from everything they might want to do that I don’t approve of. This is how I protect their freedom, and is totally non-negotiable until I change my mind.

People are still saying silly things about me winning my election victory. They are pretending that I am to blame for what they call unfairness in the First Past The Post system, which is absurd. Surely they remember that when they had the chance to choose between this fine system, that has given the country our wonderful new government, and a fairly badly thought out system selected carefully from all the much better ways of voting, they didn’t choose the useless AV system? Moaning about all the other ways of doing Proportional Representation isn’t going to stop me telling them they had their only chance, and now we can not change.

I have found out that Mr Gove and Mrs May have tricked me into seeming not to care about human rights, which of course, I do. My solution to the problem is obviously far superior to theirs. Instead of pulling out of the European Court of Human Rights, we will just give ourselves the right to ignore it, while saying human rights matter very much to us. That will make everyone happy.