Category: Politics

My Jolly Secret Diary, part 22, by DC.

I am beginning to suspect people have been reading this, my Secret Diary, with a complete disregard for my absolute right to privacy. So, if you are looking at this document on my private, personal iPad, whomsoever you may happen to be, rest assured that I shall get my friends with the impressive office in a certain Gloucestershire town (but I’m carefully not saying which!) to find out who you are. I have quietly given them the go-ahead to look at every computer in this wonderful free country of ours, except mine, obviously. I’m sure they will get on with that just as soon as they have finished checking all the pictures they took with all the webcams they accessed. And of course, they will be careful to delete any pictures of underage girlies they may have accidentally taken, as soon as they have all examined them carefully.

I recently found that there was a jolly clever article about how nobody had the sense to challenge our narrative at election time, and the way we pretended everything was Labour’s fault, even when it was actually the fault of some members of our administration like poor, silly little Clegg, or something over which we had no control at all. Blaming Labour for the banking collapses, Bernie Madoff, inflation and all the other things they had no control of was a brilliant master-stroke of presentation, which yours truly is proud of. (Of course, Lynton thinks it was him, but only I know just how clever I am.) I will have to get this Bernal fellow removed from the internet, the way I did with all the “promises, vows, and pledges” people imagine I made.

The picture of the secret building in Cheltenham Gloucestershire has reminded me that this Bernal chap is also part of a secret cabal, “academics” they call themselves, as if that meant they know more than me. They are writing ridiculous “open letters” about how I make the law which suggest that I should waste Parliamentary time with discussions of all the important things that are done in that building. This idea that I, the Prime Minister, can’t make up a law all on my own, is deeply unpatriotic, and I think I will have these “academics” sacked and deported. They must think they have rights!

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 21

Well, here we are! Another week of our wonderful United Kingdom’s new-found democracy, rewarding all hard-working families and not those other people, is almost at a close. An awful lot of lazy slackers are saying I wouldn’t have won the election by a huge majority of four, if Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers had not all, completely independently, given me their support. The fact is, of course, that I have never even met Mr Murdoch. But the Vote-OK group, chaired by Lord Astor (Samantha’s lovely step-father) made it their business to go out and campaign for me in several key seats, where thousands of hunt workers have had ten years without their rightful jobs.  

Horrid TV interviewers keep asking me if hunting foxes and watching them be ripped to shreds is my favourite sport, as if they hadn’t even heard of West Villa, or is it Aston Ham? Of course, I outfoxed them, by cleverly answering a different question, and saying I hadn’t been on a horse in years! It’s not difficult to get these people to stop asking the wrong questions, as most of them have never been near Eton. As the survey above, in a tabloid newspaper that Mr Murdoch doesn’t own yet, shows, 20% want fox hunting back, and that’s nearly as many as voted to get me back. The Queen’s Speech will include the removal of the evil Labour ban on huntin’ and I’m sure she will purr when she sees it!


David Cameron’s Secret Diary – 20

I am once again totally bloody pumped by how much fun all this is, now that we can do what we jolly well like to the country without that silly child, Clegg, slowing us down and arguing about everything. Not that we ever let him get his way, of course, though he quite often thought he had.

Didn’t we have fun, George and I, choosing which jobs we would give to the oiks who hadn’t been to Eton and Oxford! What were their parents thinking of? Your children will never get anywhere, if you don’t buy them a better education than the peasants get. We lowered education standards for the unwashed hard-working people in our previous government by letting Gove be in charge of it.

I think people will be impressed by how rapidly Gove messes up the Justice ministry as well. We didn’t give him the job because we thought he could do it, but because we wanted to make him wear ridiculous clothes!

Only the other day, I quite rightly said Lord JCB was being jolly sensible in saying we should get out of Europe as fast as possible, and he gave our Party lots of dosh. And now, all my super friends in the CBI are saying, quite rightly, that it’s vital we should stay in. They are jolly sensible, and I would like them to give the Party huge amounts of moolah to help us deliver. Britain deserves the best government money can buy!

There seems to be a dreadfully negative attitude amongst many of the hoi polloi, lately. A lot of them seem to think that in spite of the huge 24% of the voters enthusiastically supporting us, the tiny 76% who were against us have some sort of right to try to get us removed from our rightful place. And that is why I am going to take away human rights from these foolish sub-humans. We can’t tolerate that sort of thing! Goodness me, if we go letting any old Tom, Richard, or Harry say things online, we will soon be in a shocking mess. I must make up some sort of internet censorship system for GCHQ to use against these anarchist extremists. I’m very clever, so it will only take five minutes.

The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 19

I’m getting jolly fed up with all the lazy doctors and nurses! Look, it’s perfectly simple. Do as I say. Work seven days a week for less money, or start complaining. And if you do complain, I will say you are no good, and some of my friends will be given your work to do. Their companies will get more money from the taxpayer than we give the NHS, obviously. But they have to make a profit, unlike you lazy lot, so their shareholders will be happy, and their directors will be able to give money to my party, to keep us in power. And it will be your fault. So there. Enough said, that’s that sorted out, and I will move on the the next thing that I have to make work perfectly.


Next, I am going to get the Queen to read out a list of the things I am going to do to everyone else. After she has purred her way through that, and all the MPs have said how clever I am, and voted in favour of the Plan, we can roll up our sleeves, get bloody pumped, and charge into action against Europe.

My friend Lord Bamford, who has given my party about seven million pounds (a trivial amount for important chaps like us two, but quite helpful) has told me to get us out of Europe pronto. It turns out, he’s down to his last three billion pounds, thanks to European Red Tape getting in the way, and forcing him to have silly safety measures slowing his factories down. Now, why on earth should we let Brussels beaurocrats slow down the wealth creation of dear Lord Bamford? He’s got so much more than even I have, and some of that must surely be doing a wonderful job of trickling down from whatever country he keeps it in!


The Dear Leader’s Diary – Epistle 18

I’ve had a simply super weekend, chillaxing with the right sort of people, the odd case of champagne, and I’m bloody pumped! All the things I am going to announce this week to my adoring citizens are lined up ready, and I will be able to make long, eloquent sound-bites about them. I really am made to rule this

country, apart from Scotland, where my little friend Nicola is happy to help. 


She wants another referendum and lots of extra powers, but basically, she melts when she sees me, and I can just walk all over her. All it takes is just the right pressure in a hand-shake, and I’m rather well known for that. I use the one that makes the Queen purr, and Nicola just smiles and issues another series of demands that she must surely realise I won’t remember after I have had them removed from the internet. I’m surprised nobody has noticed that I can do that!


Politics is easy! I was made for it.


Later today, I will be speaking to some doctors in a place called the Wet Midlands, and tell them that I will let George give the NHS “at least £8 billion a

year by 2020″. I’m still always amazed that something like that gets accepted without any argument. It doesn’t mean they will get £8 billion in any of the years up to 2020, and after another five years everyone will have forgotten there was a National Health Service, anyway.


Well, there will be, but it will be safe in our hands long before then. As long as I keep assuring people it isn’t being privatised, I can hand chunks of it over to my friends for much less than it is worth, plus the proper level of donations to the Conservative Party, and we can all make massive profits from it. People are not even going to notice that even if we do give it £8 billion, or any other even bigger amount, from the taxpayers, it will all just go straight to the shareholders. And that’s how a health service should work!

I shall tell them that there is nothing that embodies the spirit of One Nation coming together – nothing that working people depend on more – than the NHS, and get the usual enthusiastic applause from the audience the local party branch has provided for me. A good day’s work, and I shall be entitled to chillax with some more Bollinger. 


The Dear Leader’s Diary – 17

It makes me bloody pumped up with pride, when I think how tremendously wonderful I am. All on my own, with no help from the media, I got everyone in the country to vote for me, apart from a tiny group of about 76% who were unable to understand how brilliant I am.


In completely unrelated 
news, apparently Rupert Murdoch, the very important media magnate that I am not influenced by in any way, says that my new cabinet appointments are “surprisingly good”, in his completely independent opinion. He’s quite right, of course. 


And here’s a super example! Little Nicky Morgan has proved that she is a far better minister than that oik, Gove. Sacking failing head teachers, and at the same time cutting the budgets of council schools, can’t fail to improve education for all the children of hard working families who can afford our excellent academies. Quite sensibly, she didn’t waste time finding out what the actual statistics are, but immediately told Andrew Marr in no uncertain way, that what we have done to education is the only sensible way to procede. After all, any hard working family that wants the best for its children will send them to Eton.


Michael Gove has been working jolly hard, sleeves rolled up, and bloody pumped as well, which makes me like him even more, since he was made Justice Secretary and Lord Chancellor by me, last weekend.  Instead of saying something bad people would latch onto, like “scrapping the Human Rights Act”, he very sensibly said, “We’ll be seeking to ensure that human rights are enhanced and preserved by modernising and reforming the framework of rights in this country”. Gove and I both feel the Human Rights Act and the judgements of the Strasbourg Court on things like prisoner voting have actually been harmful to the cause of human rights in this country. And that’s what matters! Getting people to think we are modernising and reforming, nice, positive words that the plebs will be convinced by. Fortunately, nobody has noticed they will have almost no rights left unless they can afford to go to court. 

The Dear Leader’s Diary – 16

Much to my surprise, my iPad can do more than just play the amazing game, Fruit Ninja! I have worked out a way to make it display books as well. Who says I know nothing about computers? I have found a fascinating book, called “Whipping Up A Storm”, full of fascinating anecdotes by an old friend of George’s. And he’s even managed to get a picture of himself on the cover. 


I’m not sure what that white powder is, or why it’s on a book cover though. I’ll have to ask one of the little people who assist me by remembering things for me. And who rolls their banknotes up like that? One can carry far more of them if they are kept flat. And the £50 notes burn much better in front of “homeless” people if you keep your bundle of them flat, as well.




I may need to give George some advice about choosing his friends more carefully. I’m sure he won’t mind, as he has always taken my advice about things, like never being too obviously sloshed or stoned or whatever the current idiom is. It’s well known that I can make friends at every level, even high up newspaper people.


And I stand by my friends, like Mr Coulson, right up until they get dragged off to jail. Then I get everything connecting to me edited off the internet, and all is well.



The Dear Leader’s Diary – Episode 1

I say, you chaps, what a jolly spiffing result! I would have written this sooner, but I celebrated with a rather nice case of the most expensive Champagne I could find, and was a little “tired and emotional” as a result.

My well deserved, nay, glorious victory was just what I deserved after my long campaign of going out into our lovely British towns, and meeting absolutely every voter in the country. Here I am, helping the citizens of Bath to understand my policies.
I was careful to explain the Long Term Economic plan that George and I had carefully discussed for ten minutes, five years ago. Many simply dreadful people have tried to claim that the plan doesn’t even exist, which makes me jolly cross. Here it is.

Ah, sorry! I don’t have a copy of it to hand, right now, but you know I am telling the truth, because I would never lie to you.

Toodle pip, more soon.